How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
