the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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