You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
