areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
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