Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
