My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
