i was born a porn star she said
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
