saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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