I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
