I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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