We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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