how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
