I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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