fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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