So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
