were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
