he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
