so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize