I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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