hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Let's get the cat blown out
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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