is your mom at the bar?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
