who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize