new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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