I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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