Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm passing your future prison.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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