im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
