this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
