i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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