We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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