He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
