i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
