i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
