Soap is not a condiment
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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