He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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