A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
