nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
