if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
