my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
