The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
