Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you didnt know i had herpes?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize