3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
my liver is dry heaving
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
