I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
