I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize