I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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