Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
In other news, I just burned my penis
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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