Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
