I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize