I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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