I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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