I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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