So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm really busy with my period
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