I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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