when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
