somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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