I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
That reminds me...we need to get swords
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
