You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We had to coat check the pizza.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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