Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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